I have been sick now for a couple of days and I seem to be getting worse as the days go by. It started off as a small cold but exploded into a full blown sickness. My joints hurt and so does my head. It feels like someone took a bat and smashed me right in the nose.

I actually think I know where I got it from! The subway seems to carry a plethora of disgusting people and from what I can put together, It was either the woman coughing her lungs out the other day or the lovely gentleman using his hands to blow his nose. I don’t know if these slobs think they are at home, but secreting bodily fluids on a public train is fucking gross. I hate when these dirty animals think they can use public transit as their washroom. I actually saw this woman rubbing moisturizing cream on her fucking feet while on the subway. Can you believe that shit, moisturizing cream!

I want to share three little sentences that will get you through life.

Number 1: Cover for me.
Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss!
Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

- Homer Simpson

[poll id="8"]

Although I loved the The Dark Night and Heath Ledger’s performance, this post is not about the film. It’s about how humor and laughter can affect our lives. I have always loved making people laugh, watching them smile really makes my day. I am naturally a joker and in some weird way humor gives me mastery over certain situations in my life. It makes people feel comfortable and that is so important to me. If people are up tight and always so serious there is no way they are enjoying life. There might be the occasional person who might be able to switch their attitude to fit specific situations but generally the dominant attitude always shines through.

I think the world would be a much better place if everyone laughed a little more. Taking the problems of the day and washing them away with a little fun can only add years to your life. It might be a North American thing and it might never change but living life to the fullest can only be accomplished with laughter. I always go back to the model of a newborn baby. They have not yet experienced the crap most of us face in our day to day lives. You see the wonder in their face and the laughter that comes out of their tiny mouths always seem so genuine. It’s only when they are subjected to society and its ravages that those genuine smiles start to become less real and instinctive.

I wanted to leave you with a video that will make you laugh no matter how much of a hard ass you think you are. Laugh and live life to the fullest, life is just too short not to!

As a tribute to my American co-worker’s fantasy of becoming a Canadian I figured I would write about the biggest and most super duper incredible American spokesperson in the history of the United States of America! Being the intelligent and rational Canadian that I am, it is really hard for me to understand why this so called “American Hero” is so popular but I thought “you know what lets give him a chance”. I can’t be wrong about Toby Keith, I just can’t! How is it possible that someone with a song called ‘Beer for my horses’ is not the greatest thing to come out of the big Red White and Blue?

If you’re just as slow as Toby, you probably didn’t get the sarcasm in the first paragraph. So now that I have made it clear, let me tell you the truth about my feelings for this overly patriotic load of semen his mother should have swallowed. He is what makes everyone else on this green earth hate Americans. It’s unfortunate that he was actually given a chance to make it big and I think his talents would be better used to videotape cows and sheep having sex with each other. I mean it’s not so different than what he’s doing now which is keeping farmers and rednecks happy.

I now know why there is pain in my co-worker’s voice while she is complaining about her immigration status to be updated. If I was an American and Toby Keith was yelping about fucking his dog and adding more horsepower to his American made pickup, I would want to become a Canadian as fast as possible.

Oh Canada!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I was watching the news the other day and hear about how that peckerhead Shia (I want to be on the next season of Intervention) LaBeouf was driving drunk and got into a car accident. He didn’t kill himself or his passenger but he did need some “extensive” hand surgery. This pissed me off for two main reasons. The first is that I have been a transformers fan for as long as I could remember. If he were to die that would seriously push back the release of transformers 2. The second and equally as important reason is there are so many struggling actors out there who wish that they were in his position and would give the world to have the opportunities he has had. I’m sure he has worked hard and deserves what he has but there has to be a chemical imbalance in the brain of a person who has everything to live for and still is stupid enough to drink and drive.

A week or so after completing the Ride to Conquer Cancer I decided to go back to the gym and get back on the fitness horse. It was a Sunday afternoon and a beautiful day outside and I decided to make my way over to my conveniently located gym that was just across the street from where I live. While I walked up to the main entrance I noticed that the parking lot was pretty empty and was thinking to myself how great it was going to be to work out in a gym that wasn’t to busy. When I reached the entrance I realized that in fact the parking lot was completely empty and that the gym was closed. I also saw a notice taped to the door from the landlord that stated that the premises had been closed due to missed rent payments. “Great” I said with a shocked look on my face! The gym I was a member of for so long took my money and ran for the hills. I guess I should have seen it coming when I noticed the equipment slowly falling apart.

Fitness clubs pop up everywhere nowadays and picking one that won’t screw you is next to impossible. My workout partner and I found another gym but felt like we were anally raped when we went to get some answers about rates and packages they offered. These “Membership Managers” are worse than used car salesmen and won’t take no for an answer. They bombard you with a bunch of useless information and get the contract ready for you to sign that same day. I guess it’s not their fault that they are that way; steroids usually cause chemical imbalances in the brain.

After the rape, we went home and thought about it and we decided that the price was right. Yesterday was our first official workout at the new gym and I must say that it felt extremely uncomfortable. I was one of the newbies, an outcast and I saw it in the eyes of the “regulars”. I know this because I was once a “regular” at my old gym and staring at the rookies was a common occurrence. We would laugh at them trying to find machines or cardio machines and now I was one of them. It really sucked and I have to go through with it all over again tonight.

I guess it will pass with time and getting used to the gym will not happen over night, but I just wanted you all to know that I hate the process! with a passion! Screw you PLAYERS HEALTH AND FITNESS for putting me through this torture.

P.S. A tear was running down my cheek as I wrote this. A tear!

I have been blogging for a couple months now and I don’t seem to be getting as much feedback as I wanted. I have been trying to be consistent but I know it’s something that I need to work on. I have attempted to post my blog on DIGG with the hopes that I might get a bit of feedback from the online community. I’m not sure how well it will work but I hope to hear something. If you are reading this and have come from my DIGG post please have a look around and tell me what you think.

I look forward to hearing any feedback and thank anyone who makes suggestions on how I could improve.

Thanks again DIGG Nation

The word hate is a word I rarely use to describe my feelings for people. I hate going into work on Monday mornings, I hate bad drivers and I hate really bad television shows. As many of you know, several years ago, the extremely famous blow hard Oprah gave birth to Dr. Phil’s career and brought us the most despicable excuse for a man the world has ever seen. This hypocritical moron, is best known for is bald head, an outdated mustache and “Telling it like it is”. Well let me “tell it like is”, taking advantage of people’s misfortunes and using it for your personal gain is the worst possible thing a person can do. I hate this man and everything he stands for. There may have been a time when this “respected doctor”, and I use the term respected loosely, actually had some class. Lately it seems that his show has turned into another version of Jerry Springer.

In its latest case of poor decision making, the Dr. Phil show decided to bail out one of the 8 teenagers charged in the beating of a sixteen your old girl. This bright idea was to give them exclusive rights to this dirt bags story but it turns out that the judge in the case issued a gag order. That means that Dr. Dickhead and his team wasted their time and now look like the biggest opportunists in TV history. They have denied knowing what was happening, but it’s hard to believe that the decision makers didn’t approve the amount of money needed to bail out that waste of skin.

To end my rant, I have decided to use a quote straight from the mouth of this respected doctor. It speaks to how obvious a situation is, just how obvious it is that this man is one of the most opportunistic attention hogs in TV today. Go Dr. Phil!!! Go!!! Keep it real baby.

“You can’t put lettuce, tomatoes and vinaigrette in a bowl and not call it a salad”

[poll id="7"]

When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I hear is the radio. I have it set to a popular Toronto news station and every time the alarm goes off I am told the horrible news that took place while I was sleeping. Picture this for a moment, me and a very attractive Shakira are on the beach. I am coating her curvy body with tanning oil and telling myself that I am the luckiest man alive. Walking up to us is an equally attractive woman with a coconut bra and a grass skirt. She has two pina coladas on a tray and her hair is blowing in the salt flavoured breeze. She starts to say something but I can’t make it out. As she get’s closer, I hear a voice but it’s not what I expect. I look over to my oiled up Shakira to ask her what’s going on and she says “Police are looking for any witnesses in a double homicide that took place last night in the club district” I look over to the woman with the drinks and she has turned into my alarm clock flashing the bright green numbers 6:45 – 6:45 – 6:45 – 6:45. Then it’s over, just as quickly as it began

This is a great video!